i want to live in oregon or washington.
i've decided.
god dammit.

so i have no friends.
i'm sure people reading this are like "omg what she is taking about? i'm her friend"
but most of my good friends either live far away like rachael or danille and then there's people like kaleigh and nicole who i used to be close with but i almost never see b/c they're always busy doing other stuff and drinking and going out to things that i'm never invited to.
when something crazy happens i can tell ari or my mom.
when i'm bored i do something with ari.
but if i ever want to go out and do something with a bunch of friends or even a few friends or even just one friend.... nobody is ever there.
i don't mean to be all emo, it's just reality.'
the other weekend i was getting so restless i almost just drove up to gainesville to see my mom for no reason.
whatever.

i'm gonna sell all of my shit on ebay

problem solved

just ordered these bad boys today
soooo excited for them to come in the mail so i can get new lenses!

this paycheck is going to be a gift from jesus christ himself

lordy lordy i needs it bad

sometimes things are just too much for everybody

i have never wanted to go to college
ever
but i went because that's what you do

even if you have some crazy fantasy dream job that requires no actual degree in anything you're still told that you should get a degree anyway "just in case"

the summer before my freshman year i thought i really wanted to be a tattoo artist. the reasons for this goal should be obvious to anyone who knows me. why the fuck didn't i immediately drop everything and start drawing my ass off? talk to local shops about the process, do internet research, do fucking anything to make that goal a reality? i was dreading have to go to school but i went BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

when i was in high school i really wanted to go to art school, but i was talked out of it by my guidance counselor. "it's expensive and not at all practical" HOW MANY FUCKING MOVIES AND TV SHOWS DO YOU PEOPLE WATCH EVERY FUCKING DAY THAT WERE MADE BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO WENT TO FILM/ART SCHOOL??? no no no what i was told to do was to go to a regular ol' university and do something cheaper and more"practical"

it's bullshit all of it. why is it that more schools are offering more AP science classes while art budgets or sometimes entire art and music programs are being cut left and right? that's sure as hell how it was at my school. i'm not saying non art related disciplines aren't hurting, but someone is CLEARLY playing favorites

but this is not about art

it's about the way we are raised to think

work hard and find the safe job. the stable job. the well paying job. the boring job. just make fucking money and that's all.

well guess what. against everyone's advice and i said fuck this stupid "liberal arts" bullshit institution and went to go do what made me happy. i fucking love my job and the reason i'm going to art school is to try and be better for this job. you can say a ceramic studio or a boutique or small galleries or whatever is a silly and risky choice, but it makes me happy. i feel like i reach out to my campers more than any nasty teacher ever did. not to rag on school teachers, some of them are WONDERFUL people, but really...why do most people become school teachers? cuz they like kids...no. it's safe. how many teachers do you ever remember having that seemed REALLY HAPPY to be grading your worksheets? god and high school teachers are the worst...okay..wait..lemme back off the teachers....THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM IS A JOKE. free education is a wonderful thing, but the way it teaches us to think and prioritize in terms of ourselves and the knowledge we can gain and the ways in which we can use the resources we are given is sooo fucked up!

if you want to be a chef but find yourself going to school for philosophy b/c you think you need a degree to have something to say for yourself and not because you actually really want a degree in philosophy then WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? get the fuck out and go to culinary school (I LOVE YOU ABBIE)

again this is not about the way art in particular has been shafted, but it's what i care about most

okay i'm totally getting off track here but i do that when i get really excited about something

okay so my point is that if what you are doing right now does not give a sense of ABSOLUTE JOY then FUCKING STOP DOING IT! drop out of school, quit your job, change your major, have that meeting with your boss about that new position opening up...whathefuckever it is...just do it! do not do the safe or the practical thing or the thing you're only doing b/c it's "expected of you" or the thing that you're only doing b/c you think it will make you the most money and not b/c you really love it........STOP FUCKING DOING ALL OF IT. i really really really really mean this.

i am broke as hell from trying to put myself through school for two years only to leave b/c i was miserable and guess what i'm doing now? going back and doing what i wanted to do all along before i ever gave in to do the practical thing or to have what feels like never ending debt for what??? i could have avoided all of that if i had only just done what i had wanted to do.

fuck at one point i almost dropped out for cosmotology school and shit it's still an option. i would fucking love to do that! why did i lose that?
whyyyyy
b/c we are told it's not a "career"


oh there are so many out of work actors
oh there are so many out of work tattoo artists
oh there are so many out of work pastry chefs

well guess fucking what world THERE ARE SO MANY OUT OF WORK EVERYTHINGS INCLUDING DOCTORS AND LAWYERS AND ALL THE LIMITED BULLSHIT THAT WE'RE MADE TO BELIEVE ARE THE ONLY REAL THINGS WE SHOULD GROW UP TO BE

not to hate on being a teacher or a doctor or a lawyer or anything else, but if that's not you and it's not what you want then don't let anyone tell you those are the only options

i have so many friends who lie to their parents about their major
and i can't remember the amount of times my parents warned me about having a "back up plan"

and i could talk in circles about this is drives me so fucking crazy

but for realzzzzz my niggas

do what you love
be happy
and just fucking GO FOR IT


 

today i did a few sketches and some prep work for an altered book i'm working and then i took photographs to a drawing i'm going to do with soft pastels and i finished a rough draft of my statement of interest for my application and e-mailed it to my mama to proof read

i'm overwelmed and excited all at the same time

i'm going to have to stop drinking coffee.....

i don't know what to do with myself

today i bought a new sketch book and 5 giant sheets of colored drawing paper

let's hope they're not still all blank and shoved under the couch by this time next week